These are the things you don’t say to your wife

The other day I heard the famous number by Tim Hawkins ” These are the things you don’t say to your wife” after a long time. A married man with years of experience that I am today, I immediately identified with the contents of this song.

It’s first verse says:

Hey honey you gained some weight in your rear end?

That dress you wear reminds me of my old girl friend

And where’d you get those shoes? I think they are pretty lame

Would you stop talking ’cause I’m trying to watch the game.

Instead of the above, I would have said:

Hey honey you still look petite setting the trend

Your dress erases my memory of my girl friend

Your shoes adorning your feet put even Ms India to shame

I only want to admire them and to hell with the game!

The second verse reads:

I planned hunting trip next week on your birthday

I didn’t ask you because I knew it’d be okay

Go make some dinner while I watch this fishing show

I taped it over our wedding video

Instead of this I’d say:

I cancelled all my engagements for your birthday

For I knew doing anything else on that day won’t be okay

Come and sit with me to see this tv show

After which we’ll together watch our marriage video

The last verse says:

Your cooking is okay but not like mother makes

The diamond in the ring I bought you was fake

Your eyes look puffy, dear are you feeling ill

Happy anniversary, I bought you a treadmill

My eulogy to my wife would say:

Your cooking has made me forget what my mother makes

My feelings for you are real like diamond in the ring and not fake

You are glowing and must be feeling well

For our anniversary please dress up to make my head swell!

Of course title of my song would be “These are the things that you must say to your wife”. The problem is that my wife is annoyed instead of being happy as she feels that I am pulling her leg instead of saying this from my heart.